3 things I would do differently during my pregnancy - my own reflection.
Trigger warning - number 3 talks about baby loss
1) Let's start off with a light-hearted one…
I'd have a professional pregnancy photoshoot!
Hear me out! Everyone says ‘take more photos of your bump’, 'take lots of photos because I regret not having many’... I thought I had taken lots of photos of me and my pregnancy bump. But now when I look back, 99% of my pregnancy photos are me taking a mirror selfie in a messy bedroom, in the same spot, time and time again HAHA.
Cue messy-bedroom-selfie-bump-pic!
Don't get me wrong, I still love these photos!
If someone said to me then 'have a pregnancy photoshoot' I would be like, NO WAY I AM NOT THAT PERSON (but not as shouty).
BUT, I recently had a business photoshoot for some more 'professional' images. It's the first time I had ever ever ever had any photos done professionally and on the journey there I was so nervous, thinking I'm going to be cringe and awkward standing there.
I googled 'what do you do with your arms on a photoshoot' before I got there ha-ha!
But honestly, it's far worse in your head than it is. Maybe it was who I had chosen, Kate Pogmore Photography based in the High Peaks (Derbyshire), but she made me feel SO at ease and they just know what to do to take a good photo. I was so pleasantly surprised seeing the images afterwards! Erm excuse me am I a model now? (Just kidding)
How professional are my business pics now?!
I wish I had some pregnancy photos like this to look back on. Ones I could frame even! Women's bodies are incredible, and I’d never been so in awe of my body than during that time.
So, if you are pregnant, do it! Find a local photographer to you, book a slot in, you won’t regret it!
2) I'd kindly (or more assertively if they didn't get the message lol)..
DECLINE hearing others’ birth story.
During my pregnancy, i thought oh, I'll gather as much info as I can from everyone who has done this before in a way to prepare myself for my own birth experience! Genius?! No.
It turns out most people like to share stories that leave you feeling horrified and scared. I actually physically gasped hearing some. Shook my socks off!
I'd feel sympathetic and sorry that they had experienced birth that way of course, but it made me feel like I wish I'd never asked too! One person scoffed and said 'ha! It's the worst pain you'll ever go through!' Oh. Lovely stuff.
I learned that others’ stories wouldn’t prepare me. They only instil greater fear. Everyone's birth is unique! So, it most likely won't happen exactly like Janet's did down the road.
Everyone’s birth journey is unique.
Since training to be a Hypnobirthing teacher I've learned so much more on this too.
When we are fearful of something and that then happens to us (so in this case, going into labour) our bodies respond as if labour is a threat. We tense up, making it harder for our muscles to do the job they are supposed to, making it more painful. Our bodies pump adrenaline (as threat mode is on), which affects our bodies negatively during labour and stops oxytocin being released (the hormone we need lots of during labour, THE birth hormone). Fear creates the opposite conditions of what we want to birth our baby.
AND BREATHE. That's a lot, I know. Fear is not one we want as a birth partner, so off it can trot, way before the day comes.
So I'd say no thanks to neggy stories as they have a knock-on effect and I wanted to aim for a nice experience! Janet can tell me a story about something else.
A big part of Hypnobirthing is removing fear or anxiety around birth, so the body is free to work as it needs to when the time comes! A couple learning Hypnobirthing with me at the moment told me they can’t believe how much sense it makes and think everyone having a baby should have this information too! I agree! I did use Hypnobirthing during my pregnancy, but I know so much more now too that I would add.
3) Trigger warning: baby loss.
This is a heavier one and there's a part of me that doesn't like sharing sadness because I like people to feel good, but then there's a part of me that wants to voice my story (or part of) in case it does help someone going through a similar situation.
It is okay to skip reading this one if you want to, your emotions are most important.
I would tell people what I want about my journey, when I wanted and not feel bad about it.
There is so much societal and external pressure during the trying to conceive period and during the first 12 weeks of pregnancy. The pressure doesn't end then but lessens slightly in my opinion.
It's almost the 'unwritten rule' to keep all of this a 'secret' until the 12 week mark passes.
I remember my mind and body being consumed by emotions during this time, but then trying to act with everyone else like nothing was happening? I'd be constantly checking my ‘Trying to conceive’ app and tracking ovulation but then go out for a meal with friends an hour later, with a smile on my face, but worry and anxiety in my heart.
There's this narrative that, well, we know the chances of something really sad happening before 12 weeks is higher, so the trying to conceive bit and the first bit of pregnancy is to be kept as a secret until then. You can worry about it on your own, no one else needs to know about it, eh?
Well, I don't like this at all.
There's something else too. It is so alarmingly common how many women have experienced baby loss.
I had this experience during my first pregnancy. It was one of the hardest things I have ever gone through. If you have experienced this or supported someone who has, just know I am sending you so much love and I am so sorry.
What I couldn't believe was the amount of women who reached out to me personally, offering comfort and empathy having been through a similar experience themselves.
Baby loss is something that, I feel, isn't spoken about enough.
It is such an isolating and life changing time, yet it happens to so many.
Women are united in one way but stood alone grieving in another.
I didn't wait until 12 weeks to tell people close to me during my first pregnancy or my second pregnancy. But I did have that voice in my head telling me I probably should wait a bit longer. I was also apprehensive about how or when to do it, exactly. My inner voice would say 'just tell one or two people, but not many'. 'Don't burden others'. Because ‘what if something bad happens?'
What I would do differently in hindsight, is remove the pressure I put myself under (I know easier said than done).
My support network (close family and friends) are everything to me and were there for me when I needed them. I personally think it would have been so much harder, if they had to learn of my pregnancy and baby loss at the same time.
Because the alternative would be to not tell them at all?
The important part is that they would have wanted me to tell them, too. That they love me and would want to support me. We're not supposed to do everything on our own. We can share the sadness too. It helps.
So, I would tell people as soon as I felt ready. .
It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks or what other people say they did.
If you are pregnant and feeling external pressures of 'what to do', or 'when or if to tell people', then I hope this provides some validation and reassurance that what is right for you, might be different to what is right for someone else. It is okay. Do what feels right for you and your baby. Whatever that looks like for you.
I know not everyone has the support that I feel so fortunate to have. Please know you are never alone. There is always help. I have linked some useful sites at the bottom of this page but please reach out to your health professional if you need to.
Sending lots of positive thoughts and love your way.
4) I know the title says ‘3 things’, but I wanted to end on a lighter note so here goes number 4..
I would practice mindfulness, more.
Mindfulness is so great for our wellbeing and to quieten the anxiety of the future. Pregnancy can be such a worrying time, thinking about the ‘what if’s’ so I would try focusing more on the right now.
Whether you are pregnant, on your TTC journey, have children or just here for the read, why not screenshot the below mindfulness activities and try them out with me?
1- the next time you have a warm drink, maybe a tea, coffee, or autumnal hot choc with whippy cream, close your eyes and really focus on each sip. Think about the taste, the warmth, the feeling of the mug or cup in your hands. The different textures and movement swirling in your mouth. Spend a few minutes really trying to focus on nothing else but this.
2 - look outside. If you are sat on your settee or bed right now, get up if you can, and go and look out of your window. Or better, go and stand outside! Take a deep breath and look around. What can you see? What can you hear? What is the temperature or weather like on your face? What can you smell? What movement is there? Can you see birds, or can you see trees moving? Can you hear traffic?
3 - look at your hands in detail. Really look at them. Look closely at the lines in the palm of your hands. How do they differ from hand to hand? Look at each of your fingers. How do they feel? Is your skin soft or rough? Are they clammy, cold or warm? Trace your knuckles and the ridges of your hands. Maybe give each hand a little massage with the other hand and tell yourself a loving and kind message. How much do our hands do for us on a day-to-day basis?
I use mindfulness and Hypnobirthing techniques now, when I am not currently pregnant. To help me feel calmer and more relaxed, whenever I feel I need it. It charges up my energy battery and quietens the busy noise and rush of life.
I hope you manage to spend a few minutes soon, really being present in the here and now and take note of how it makes you feel.
Love, Donna xxx